(Told to Jeremy Lott)
You may have heard the legend that Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, but I’m here to tell you that that’s not, exactly, one hundred percent true. Now, it is true that Ireland has no snakes nowadays and it is also true that Saint Patrick was the one who did it. But the thing is this: he didn’t drive those snakes out.
No, he was smarter than they were.
The snakes were always sinking their fangs into the Irish. And the people, well, they didn’t like being bitten one bit. So everyone said: «Patrick, can’t youuu do something about it?».
Back then, Ireland was infested with snakes from Donegal to Cork and from Galway to Wicklow. But there was one place that the snakes liked more, and that was along the banks of the River Shannon, in Limerick.
Those Limerick snakes were so abundant on the ground that the fishermen couldn’t cast their lines or launch their boats. If anyone so much as looked at them funny, the snakes would snap, hiss, and generally make a racket.
And that’s what they did when Patrick approached them and said: «Snakes, we need to talk.» Patrick let them continue for a moment and then replied: «I said talk, not hiss.»
«This sssenseless human thinks he can talk to usss,» said a pit viper to the other snakes, who let out a good snake laugh at that.
«Yes, that’s what the foolish human thinks,» said Patrick.
Those Limerick loafers were stunned and fell silent. A human who could speak the language of snakes was something new to them. Finally, a large python cleared its throat. «Well, what do you want to tell usss, human?» the python asked.
«The Irish have been talking to me and they think it’s time for you to go,» said Patrick.
You might wonder why Patrick said «the Irish» and not «us Irish.» It’s because he wasn’t from here, but that wasn’t what the snakes were wondering at that moment. They weren’t wondering because they were coiled in rage.
«Then we’ll bite them! We’ll bite every last one of them,» said a rattlesnake. Many others joined in with threats and hisses.
Again, Patrick let them vent for a minute before speaking. «My slithery neighbors, Ireland is a damp and cold place for us warm-blooded humans! Aren’t you cold?» he asked.
«Yessss,» replied a few snakes.
«And wouldn’t you prefer to go somewhere warm?» Patrick asked.
«Yessss!» said many more snakes.
«Rattlesnake, wouldn’t you like to slither through a nice Texas desert? And Viper, wouldn’t you prefer to rest on the banks of the Nile? And Mamba, doesn’t an island in the sky in an African rainforest sound good?» he asked.
Many snakes nodded with their serpentine snouts.
«Well, then let us give you all a long vacation and, if you don’t like it there, you can always come back,» said Patrick.
Some snakes started to say «yessss,» but then the biggest and meanest of them all spoke up.
«You sssmell like liesss, human. Why shouldn’t I just eat you inssstead?» asked the anaconda.
Now, I have to give Patrick some credit here. He didn’t give in to the fear he must have felt. No, he told that big snake: «I’m too much for you to swallow.» And, well, that was enough.
«Sure you’re joking, human. I can eat anything that movesss, from a mousssse to a rhinocerosss,» announced the anaconda.
So Patrick made a bet right then and there. If he could name something that moved and that the anaconda couldn’t eat, all the snakes would go on those vacations. And if not, well, he would be dinner.
There must have been a gleam in his eye when he said: «Eat the river.»
The anaconda hissed. Trapped by her own boast! Still, the big snake tried. She slithered a stretch into the river, opened her big mouth, and tried to suck up the water.
It didn’t take long before the current carried her away. And I don’t know much about the religious notions of snakes. But if they have saints too, then Patrick is one of them, for what he did next.
He had won. The snake that was going to eat him was lost, but Patrick jumped right into the river. He swam toward her and dragged that big snake to the shore.
That anaconda coughed up enough water to fill a small stream. Then she said: «Thanksss for the ressscue, human. Is there any chance you’ll keep this inccident a ssssecret?».
Patrick promised the anaconda that he would never tell anyone, and he never did.
Those snakes were all grateful for what Patrick did. So they didn’t object to leaving, by ship and by bird, to warmer parts of the world. And, who would have thought, they liked Africa and America and the other continents they went to and never came back.
Now, you’ll wonder how I know all this, being that Patrick was the only human there that day and never let on.
Well, I’m not human. I’m a leprechaun. My great-great-grandfather Shadrach O’Shaughnessy saw it all from the bushes. Patrick also tried to be smarter than us leprechauns. Old Shadrach learned something from the snakes and, instead, was smarter than him. But that’s a story for another Saint Patrick’s Day.
About the author
Jeremy Lott is the author of many books, the most recent of which is The Three Ferocious Pigs and the Vegan Wolf.